Day 2: Humility and its evil twin

This would have been posted last night, but it was overcast here so the internet didn’t work. Really. The weather seems to effect everything in Haiti, including the internet, which comes from satellites.

Today, my second day in Haiti, was exercise in frustration and feeling like an idiot. I guess it was also an exercise in humility.

I came here with good intentions, as do many people from the U.S. who want to help Haiti. My intentions—and those of many others who try to help here—are honest and true. We want to help a country that is really struggling and suffering. And yet something is missing from the equation of me helping Haiti.

Namely, “What help do I need?”

The answer, in Haiti, is that I need help with almost everything. I don’t know what time breakfast is served, or how to ask. I don’t know how to flush the toilet. I couldn’t understand the woman who was talking to me today. The painful and harsh awakening of this day was that I want to help people who, for the most part, I cannot communicate with because I don’t know their language. Here, in Haiti, I need the help of Haitians with everything, including how to ask for help.

Haitian Creole is a wonderful language. A mix of African languages and French, it is very expressive and full of clever, colorful ways of saying things phrases. I’d love to be able to speak it. I just can’t yet. In this country of 9 million people who can, for the most part, communicate with each other just fine, I can communicate with almost none of them.

Now who needs help?

For some reason, not being able to speak to people here makes me feel like an idiot. And not a benign idiot, but a very bad person. Isn’t it strange that I would feel bad about wanting to be of help to people who, on the whole, really need help, but whose language I can’t speak? When I write it out, it seems very strange that I would feel bad about that. After all, I’ve been here about 36 hours now. Not exactly enough time to become fluent in a language. What I’ve been realizing lately is that so much of what I feel, at least sometimes, is strange like that. I seem to feel really bad about myself a lot, and for really dumb reasons.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. What things do you feel terrible about, for no really good reason?

I wish I could have come to Haiti without these strange things in my head that tell me I should feel bad about ridiculous things. As you know, there is plenty of suffering in Haiti without torturing oneself over stupid things.

Summary: I felt terrible today about not being able to speak a language I’ve never had the opportunity to learn. And yet feeling bad about myself today certainly didn’t enhance my ability to learn the language (quite the opposite). Nor did it enhance my day or anyone else’s in any way.

Conclusion: feeling bad about oneself is both stupid AND useless.

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A friend of mine moved to Hawaii recently. I got a message from him today that said he was feeling exhilarated after surfing for 3 hours. He said he’d found paradise.

My exact thought was:

”That’s great. I’ve found hell. Wanna trade places?”

This particular friend and I lived together last summer. We supported each other to trust our inner voices about what we wanted to do next in our lives. His inner voice told him to go to Hawaii. Mine told me to go to Haiti.

How come some people’s journeys lead them to surfing (which I’ve always wanted to do, and I LOVE Hawaii) while other people’s lead them to try to alleviate the suffering of others? I really don’t think I’m a better person than my friend in Hawaii. He’s a very good, caring person. My basic assumption is that, while people live all kinds of different lives, there is really only one kind of person: fundamentally caring and intelligent. Sure, we don’t always act that way. But I think that’s who we all are deep down inside.

Tonight I’m kinda puzzled by what seems like my obsession with being of service to those who need it the most, and doing so seemingly at the expense of myself, or at least my own comfort. This obsession of mine seems at once to have something very good about it, while at the same time being utterly bizarre, ridiculous and self-defeating.

I’m utterly baffled by this seeming contradiction within myself, and the way I make decisions about what to do with my life. And I don’t think I’ll get it figured out tonight. Feel free to send me your insights and experience about this sort of thing. Or post your thoughts under this posting.

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I just had a good meeting with my boss in Haiti, Fr. Joseph. He asked me how my day was. I gave him a shorter version of what I wrote above. He said, “You’re just beginning”. Sensible guy. I love Fr. Joseph, for many reasons. Common sense and an abundance of kindness are two of them. He is a blessing, to me and many others.

He and I had breakfast together this morning, just the two of us. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the prayer he said before we ate. It was very simply and right to the point: “God, thank you for this food. Please use it to strengthen us so we can help the others.”

That’s why I’m here, and that’s why I’m working for Fr. Joseph.

In a favorite movie of mine, "Peaceful Warrior", Nick Nolte plays a wise gas station attendant who mentors a bright but foolish young man. The young man said to his mentor, “If you know so much, how come you work in a gas station?”. The teacher replied, “This is a service station. We offer service.” “Pumping gas?”, the foolish young man replies. “Service to others. There’s no higher purpose.”, replies the teacher.

Sorry, no pictures or videos with this posting. I couldn’t figure out how to take any good ones of me feeling terrible about myself, and then realizing that I’m not really terrible. :-)